Missing Moments - Blindspot Season Four
by Indelible Evidence
Summary: A collection of episode tags and canon-fixes for season four of Blindspot. Each chapter is a new fic, and none of these fics will be getting a continuing second chapter. Most, if not all, entries here will be Jeller.
1. Hopes and Fears (Jeller, 4x12)

**Author's Note: **This fanfic will be a collection of **one-chapter fics** set in **season four**. I saw that my fic count is already edging above 20, and decided it's probably best to put all the ones that won't get a second chapter into one fic entry, so people don't feel like I'm the world's biggest spammer when they browse the Blindspot fic list. :D

* * *

**Hopes and Fears**

Jeller, spoilers for 4x12

* * *

"Agent Weller? Are you awake?"

Kurt opened his weary eyes at the vaguely familiar voice, then immediately straightened in his chair. "Dr. Roga. Did—?"

The scientist nodded, sparing him the need to ask the rest of the question. "I synthesised the cure the moment the Stanton cells were brought in. Jane's neurologist has it now, and they're setting up for her treatment. They'll be here any minute now."

For the first time in days, Kurt felt a flare of real optimism. He hadn't dared to believe in Rich's so-called 'Book of Secrets'—he'd been too afraid to get his hopes up, especially since Roman had been unable to solve the map on his data cache. Now that Jane's cure was in the hands of her doctors, he finally let that hope begin to lift his spirits.

"Thank you so much," he told Dr. Roga, squeezing Jane's cold hand, then rubbing it between his own hands to try to transfer some warmth. Since her body's involuntary functions had begun to struggle, she'd been bundled up in a robe and extra blankets to keep in as much heat as possible.

Jane stirred, but didn't wake. He wasn't sure she could even muster the energy to stay conscious anymore. In case she could hear him, he told her, "Jane, Dr. Roga's here with your cure. You're gonna be fine. Just hold on a little longer, okay?"

Dr. Roga approached the bed, her expression regretful. "I'm just sorry she ended up like this in the first place."

Kurt shook his head. "We don't blame you. Really."

Before either of them could continue, Jane's neurologist and a nurse joined them in the room.

"Mr. Weller, we're going to take Jane to the operating theatre now." The neurologist, whose name was Dr. Evans, reminded him a little of Emma Shaw. She was comforting but practical, and was wasting no time right now in helping the nurse strip away the blankets from Jane's unconscious form.

Kurt reluctantly released his wife's hand and stepped back to give them room to work. "Is it possible for me to go with her?"

Dr. Evans shook her head with a quick smile. "I'm sorry. We'll need to inject the cells directly into Jane's brain, which means we'll need to gain access to the back of her skull. The procedure won't take too long, but I will have to ask you to remain here for now. We'll keep you updated, but time is of the essence."

Kurt bit down on the urge to protest, watching them transfer Jane from the bed to a stretcher. They were gone within a minute, leaving him to anxiously wait for news.

Dr. Roga sat on the edge of the empty bed as Kurt returned to his chair. "Don't worry. It's not as scary as it sounds."

"They'll be drilling into the back of her skull?" Kurt asked, a little lightheaded at the thought.

"Yes. The cure will need to go directly into the brain in order to be effective. It's not a risky procedure. If not for the skull getting in the way, it would be a simple injection." Dr. Roga reached over and patted his shoulder. "I know you're worried, but Jane's chance of survival is good once the cure's been administered."

"And her senses?" Kurt tried to sit still and be calm, but the separation from Jane felt wrong. "Will she get her vision back?"

Dr. Roga sighed. "I wish I could tell you. It all depends on Jane's brain, I'm afraid. It won't be immediate, but once the cells do their job, if all goes well…"

Kurt tried not to imagine how devastated his wife would be if her blindness was permanent. At least she'd be alive. _Please, let her live._

"They don't need you in the operating theatre?" he asked.

Dr. Roga smiled. "No. I'd be like a spare part in there. I'm a biochemist, not a surgeon or nurse. There's nothing more I can do."

"Right." He would have put that together himself, if he hadn't been so exhausted.

"Take a break, Agent Weller. I'd tell you to sleep, but I know you won't, not until your wife is cured. But go take a walk outside, or get something to eat. Jane is in good hands."

"I guess I'll go outside, stretch my legs a little." He stood up, and Dr. Roga rose too. "Thank you. For everything," he told her.

"You're most welcome. Give me a call in a couple of days; let me know how things went." She gave him a quick smile, then left the room.

* * *

After a quick bathroom break, Kurt headed outside and stood in the sunshine. Summer was fading and fall drawing in, but it was still fairly warm outside. He leaned against a pillar and closed his eyes, trying to enjoy the warmth on his skin.

Dr. Roga seemed optimistic about Jane's chances, but Dr. Evans' urgency spoke volumes. Kurt was too anxious to contemplate eating or sleeping, his mind playing back his last couple of conversations with Jane.

She'd started talking about her death as though it were inevitable—saying that she wished she could see him one last time, and that she would always love him. Remembering the way she'd clung to him and cried brought tears to his eyes again, and he brushed them away with the back of his hand, breathing deeply. _Don't fall apart, Weller. Not now._

His memory kept serving him heart-wrenching moments, however. Jane had briefly woken from her exhausted sleep a couple of hours ago to tell him again that she loved him, and the words she'd struggled to form had made him despair.

"_Promise me you won't blame yourself for my death."_

"_Don't give up, Jane," he'd pleaded softly, kissing her hand. "You have to fight."_

"'_s okay," she'd murmured, almost under her breath. "If this is it, then at least I had this time as Jane. To make up for all the awful things I've done. I'm so grateful to have you in my life, Kurt. You made me the happiest woman in the world…even if we didn't have much time."_

_He'd fought back a sob, not wanting her to know how close to weeping like a child her words had made him. "There's still time. There's still hope."_

"_Don't let this eat you up inside…the way Taylor did. I…want you to move on with your life. Remember me and smile."_

"_I love you so much, Jane. Stay with me."_

_She'd been fading again, barely conscious as her lips moved. "Love you."_

Kurt realised he was crying again, silently sobbing with conflicted grief. Had he done the right thing by asking her to fight, by refusing to have a conversation about what would happen after her death? Or had he just made it more difficult for her, made her worry about him instead of setting her mind at ease?

He refused to entertain the idea that she'd die, not now that the doctors were preparing to inject Jane with a cure. He just couldn't. Whether it was optimism or unhealthy denial, he had to keep hoping for a future with the love of his life.

* * *

Jane had been unconscious for the past four hours. Since the cure had been administered, a little of the colour had returned to her face, but she hadn't yet woken up. Dr. Evans had reassured Kurt that Jane's brain needed time for the cure to do its job, and that she'd wake up when she was ready, but he couldn't help but worry.

An IV kept her hydrated, and there was a sensor clipped to her finger to monitor her pulse, but she was breathing on her own, albeit with the help of a nasal cannula that delivered extra oxygen. Dr. Evans had explained that if things had gotten any worse, they might have had to put Jane on a ventilator, but the cure had dissipated the remaining traces of ZIP fairly quickly, halting the degeneration of her condition. She was going to live. The Stanton cells would hopefully do the rest, restoring the function lost.

He'd briefly spoken to Patterson, who was now en route back to the States with Rich in tow. She'd expressed relief that Jane would live, sounding a little choked up. Kurt knew the feeling. He still couldn't quite believe it himself.

Reade was in meetings for another couple of hours, but Kurt had texted him the good news. It seemed too soon to let anyone else know what was happening—they'd have questions about her condition that he couldn't answer yet.

_She's gonna live. That's the most important thing._

Even if the cure didn't restore her vision, and her body had trouble with energy regulation and mobility, at least she would be alive. She'd find it hard to adjust, but Jane was strong. She'd adapt to her new reality and he'd be right there with her, supporting her every step of the way. He just hoped it wasn't necessary.

Jane's fingers twitched, and Kurt looked up, watching his wife for signs of consciousness. "Jane?"

Her eyelids fluttered, and she turned her head towards him. "Hmmm?"

"How are you feeling, baby?"

She frowned a little as she cracked open her eyes, then blinked a couple of times, her eyes still unfocused. "Things feel…easier. What happened?"

He squeezed her hand, smiling a little. "The cure got the ZIP out of your system. You're gonna live, Jane."

She gave a small, gasping sob and squeezed his fingers so tightly, it hurt. That was a good sign—she'd barely been able to hold his hand before. "I'm cured?"

"Yeah." His heart swelled as a genuine smile blossomed on her face, even as a tear ran down her cheek, He smiled back, wishing she could see it.

For a moment, Jane was speechless, absorbing the good news. Then she burst into tears, and he was unsure if they were born of happiness, stress relief, or disappointment at her lack of vision. He sat on the edge of the bed and held her, a few tears of his own slipping free as she sobbed in his arms.

"It's okay," he murmured to her. "It's gonna be okay now."

"I don't even know why I'm crying," she confessed, trying to calm down. "All my emotions feel muddled. And I… I still can't see."

"That doesn't mean anything. We've gotta give the Stanton cells time to do their magic, okay? Dr. Evans said it would take a little while."

Jane took a deep, shaky breath and nodded. "Okay. I guess we just wait and see, then."

Kurt kissed the top of her head gently. "No matter what happens, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know." Jane reached over to take his hand, and pulled it to rest over her heart. "Neither am I."

Her heart beating steadily against his palm, Kurt closed his eyes, fighting another wave of exhaustion. A few minutes later, Dr. Evans had to gently wake him up so that she could check on her patient.

* * *

"Kurt, I can… I can see you!" Jane clutched his arm in excitement, her gaze still unfocused, but resting on his face for the first time in a couple of days. "Not that clearly, but it's so much better than it was."

Relief crashed into him in a wave. "Really? You can see my crooked smile now?" he teased.

"I could see it better if your face was closer."

Kurt shifted position until his face was just a couple of inches from hers. "That close enough?"

Jane cradled his face in her hands, gazing at him as though he was the most beautiful thing she'd ever beheld. "I was afraid I'd never see this face again," she whispered.

"I'm right here," he told her, committing the subtle joy in her expression to memory. He never wanted to forget this moment.

Jane leaned forward and kissed him, and he could almost taste her relief on her lips. He returned her kiss with one of his own, then drew back to watch her.

She opened her eyes again immediately, her smile growing. "It's getting clearer. I don't know how much better it will get, but at least…" She trailed off with a shrug, still gazing at his face.

"Maybe you should close your eyes again, give them a rest while your brain is fixing itself up?" Kurt suggested.

Jane stifled a yawn. "I do kind of need to nap again," she admitted. "Wake me up if Rich and Patterson get here, okay?"

He gave her a quick peck on the lips, then sat back in his chair. "I will."

* * *

"This is excellent progress." Dr. Evans said.

Holding onto Kurt with one hand and her IV pole with the other, Jane had managed to take four steps away from the bed. Her vision was still blurry, and the doctor had theorised it would take a couple more days to recover completely. Still, Dr. Evans wanted Jane to test her balance and motor skills a little more.

"Do you think you could make it around to the side door, to stand outside for a few minutes?"

Kurt began to protest, but Jane interrupted, "I'll try."

Leaning on Kurt a little every now and then, Jane made her way out of the room and down the hall. Her determination was palpable, and Kurt tried to curb his anxiety that she was ignoring her body's signals and overdoing it. Dr. Evans followed, observing her slow but steady progress and reassuring them both that she wasn't in any danger of collapsing.

Once they were outside, and he'd helped Jane sit down on a nearby bench, Dr. Evans smiled. "I'll leave you out here for a little while. When you're ready, Jane, just head back to your room, all right?"

Kurt sat beside his wife as the doctor left. "You feeling okay?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "Don't worry. I'm a little tired and shaky, but that's temporary. I'll be fine, Kurt."

"Told you that you could beat this." He brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes, smiling down at her.

"Because of you," Jane said, her expression serious. "You didn't give up on me for a second. I'm so glad to have you in my life."

Kurt kissed her forehead gently, then blinked, his attention caught by a familiar couple of figures as they disappeared into the building. "Looks like you have visitors. Rich and Patterson just went inside."

Jane got to her feet immediately. "Let's not keep them waiting. They've already done so much for us."

Kurt put his arm around her, and they steadily retraced their steps, drawing strength from each other.

No matter what came their way, they'd handle it. Together with their team, they were unstoppable.


	2. Much-Needed Distraction (Jeller, 4x11)

**Much-Needed Distraction**

Jeller, episode tag to 4x11 (sorry this is out of order with the 4x12 tag - I forgot about it!)

* * *

"Kurt."

Jane's voice carried the barest hint of an edge, and he turned immediately to find her standing in the doorway that led from the balcony back into the apartment. "What's wrong?"

Jane sighed and crossed to stand in front of him, her arms loosely draped over his shoulders. "What's wrong is that this is the fourth time since we came back from Dr. Roga's place that I've seen you frowning into space, blaming yourself for not saving those test tubes."

Kurt closed his eyes, letting out his breath slowly as he reminded himself to be strong for his wife. She'd been the one bolstering his mood today, but she was the one who was dying. "Sorry," he said, opening his eyes to find her watching him with concern. "I'll stop. Old habits, I guess."

He didn't need to mention Taylor for her to get his drift. She cupped the back of his neck in the palm of her hand, pulling his head down to rest her forehead against his. "I don't blame you even a tiny bit for this. If anyone deserves blame, it's me—for letting my post-Remi self-confidence crisis deprive you and Patterson of backup."

The notion that she'd blame herself hadn't occurred to him. "No, Jane. Anyone would be feeling uncertain, after everything you've had to deal with."

She smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. "I won't blame myself if you don't blame _your_self. Deal?"

"Deal." Kurt gazed down into her face, wondering if she could really be as calm and relaxed as she seemed. Remi had closed herself off, been secretive and argumentative, but rather than collapsing into tears, Jane almost seemed to have accepted her potential death. That worried him. "How are you holding up?"

"Headache's better than it has been in a few hours." Her smile faded a little, though it didn't disappear entirely. "That's the best I can hope for, I guess."

"You need to talk? About the ZIP? Remi's memories? Anything?"

Jane shook her head, her smile returning as she shifted a little closer. "I didn't come out here to give you something new to worry about, Kurt."

Recognising her body language even before her gaze dropped to his lips, Kurt gathered her closer and nuzzled her jaw. "Yeah? What _did_ you come out here for?"

"To stop you from thinking so hard." Her voice held a slight note of amusement, and he couldn't help but smile against her mouth. One gentle, lingering kiss transformed into a second, needier collision of their lips, and she tugged at the front of his shirt as they recovered from it. "Come inside, Kurt."

He was more than happy to follow that suggestion, turning her in his arms and kissing the side of her neck as he navigated the few small steps back into the living room. "Yes, ma'am."

By the time they reached the bedroom, he'd completely forgotten what he'd been thinking about before Jane had come to distract him.


	3. Hold Me Responsible (Jeller, 4x16)

**Hold Me Responsible**

Jeller, tag to 4x16 - AU where Jane doesn't go back to work that day (because come on, Blindspot writers, she wouldn't)

* * *

The apartment was too quiet when Kurt returned from work, feeling much lighter for having helped arrest Madeline Burke. Her second-in-command, Dominic Masters, was still in the wind, but it was only a matter of time before he showed up again.

Reade and Zapata were taking point on the interrogation, but Kurt had wanted to check on Jane, so he'd told them he'd take off early and take a run at the billionaire tomorrow. After quickly checking on Patterson—she'd been so calm in the face of his news about Jane going to see Borden earlier, it almost had him worried she was hiding her true feelings—he'd headed for home.

"Jane?" he called, casting a glance around the living room and kitchen. Her jacket was strewn over the back of the couch and her keys were in the key bowl, so she was definitely home, but she didn't answer.

Not that he was surprised. Over the past few days, since the Cameron Gibbs case, Jane had seemed to be trying to take up as little space in her own life as possible, only speaking when it was clear he wasn't going anywhere.

Worry gnawing at his mind, he went into the bedroom, and his heart sank. Jane was curled up in bed in the foetal position, fresh tear-tracks on her cheeks and wet spots on the pillow. She was facing the door, but she didn't open her eyes or move at all when he came in.

"Hey," he said gently, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She opened her eyes, but didn't speak, clearly exhausted and miserable. Kurt had no idea what might have happened with Borden, and he hoped like hell the bastard hadn't taken the opportunity to screw with Jane's head further.

"We got Madeline," he said, wanting to buoy her up with some good news before they started talking about her afternoon.

Jane's eyes widened a little, and she rubbed a hand across her face. "That's great," she said, her voice scratchy from crying. "Is she talking?"

"Not yet. Tasha and Reade are still working on her." He took Jane's hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. "How'd it go at the prison?"

Jane sat up slowly, and he shifted a pillow behind her back to make her more comfortable against the padded headboard. As she settled back against it, Kurt kicked off his shoes and sat beside her, quietly waiting for her to speak.

Instead, Jane burst into tears, covering her face with both hands.

"Oh, Jane…" He pulled her against him and stroked her hair as she cried harder, her body shaking with sobs. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he murmured soft words of comfort, hoping like hell that they didn't turn out to be lies. _It'll be okay. We can get through this._

"I'm so sorry, Kurt," Jane half-whispered as her tears began to subside. "If I could take it back…"

He was lost now, unable to follow her train of thought. Was she stuck in a Remi memory of something he didn't know about, or was she apologising for something he'd already forgiven her for?

"What happened with Borden?" he asked, wanting to get a sense of what had put her into this state of distress. "Did he send you away?"

"No." Jane leaned over and grabbed the box of tissues from the nightstand, trying to recover her composure. "No, he was exactly who I needed to talk to. He was the one who did this to me, so he was the right one to fix it."

Her words surprised him. From her misery, he'd expected things had gone badly. And what did she mean, Borden had 'done this' to her? Done _what_?

"Jane, you're gonna have to help me out here," he said gently. "I wasn't there today. Fill me in."

She took a shuddering breath and nodded. "The therapist this morning, the one you recommended…he said that I was scared to go out because Remi's rage was conflicting with my remorse, like a clash of my two different selves."

"Okay." That made a weird kind of sense—

"He was wrong."

Kurt frowned. "Borden had another theory?"

Jane stared down at their joined hands, her shoulders tense. "You were there in some of my early therapy sessions with Borden. You heard him talk about how I was a clean slate when I came out of the bag, that whoever I was before, that didn't have to define who I am now."

"Yeah, I remember."

She looked up at him with a kind of bleak resignation. "Borden lied. He needed me focused on my mission, not struggling to come to terms with what I remembered about my past. So he made me believe Remi and Jane were two different people, even before I knew about who I really was."

"But you _are_—" he started, feeling as though he'd been kicked in the chest.

"No. Kurt, I know this is gonna be a process for both of us. But I have my memories back now. I remember everything I did, and the way my mind was working when I made those decisions. I don't have a split personality. The only thing that's different about Jane and Remi is the memories that influenced me at the time."

Kurt's mind scrambled to piece together what she was saying. "Borden has to be angry at the way we put him in prison. He could be saying his old words are lies because he wants to hurt you more."

"No." Jane turned on the bed to face him, watching him sadly. "I'm one person. I was the one who stole photos of you and Taylor from your dad's house. I was the one who replaced Taylor's DNA with mine. Shepherd was the one who told Roman to kill Emma Shaw, but I didn't try to stop it. I didn't care if she died, Kurt. But I am so, so sorry about it now."

_No_, his mind insisted. _That was Remi, and you're Jane. My wife would never do those things. I could never love someone who looked the other way while Emma..._

He only realised that he was shaking his head when she continued, "I know it's a lot to accept, but since I stopped trying to blame Remi for Jane's problems, I can breathe again. It might take a little while for me to get my head on straight, but at least things are clearer now."

Kurt took a deep breath, reminding himself of how she'd been struggling over the past few days, and how much less lost she looked now. The shame and regret were still there, though. He couldn't even imagine how it felt.

"What do you need from me?" he asked, focusing on what he could do, instead of the denial still resonating through his mind.

Jane sighed. "I guess… When I talk about something I did back then, don't try to tell me I didn't do it, that it wasn't my fault, it was Remi's. Because I _did_ do it, and it _was_ my fault. No matter how much I hate it. And I can blame Shepherd for raising me this way, sure, but that doesn't mean I didn't make my own choices. I have to face that."

"That's a lot of weight to carry," he said, understanding now why she looked so exhausted. "I don't want you to get crushed under it."

Jane gave a small shrug. "I was. Before I went to see Borden, I couldn't even function. You saw what I was like this morning. But he made me look at what I wanted to accomplish with the awful things I did. My goals then and my goals now aren't so different. I just wanted to right what was wrong in the world, only I thought the ends justified the means back then. But you made me see that they don't, and I'm so, so grateful, Kurt."

Tears coming to her eyes again, she lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it. "I know this is a lot. Asking you to forgive me…to forgive the person you thought of as Remi. You forgave Jane for everything, I know. But does it make a difference, knowing that I'm not just Jane or Remi? That I'm both?"

As he gazed at her, gathering his thoughts, she stared down at her lap. "If…if you need some distance or some time to think, I'll understand. If you want me to go…"

His heart overruled his head, as it always had done with her. No matter what she'd done after they'd met, he'd always forgiven her, whether it was colluding with Oscar behind his back or cheating on him in Europe. She'd done so many terrible things before she'd taken the ZIP—but it was in the past now, and over the past few years, she'd shown him her determination to fight for justice was unparalleled.

Kurt leaned forward and kissed her forehead tenderly. "I told you not long after we met that whoever you used to be, that's not who you are now. I still think that. I know what you did before the ZIP, and I don't like it, but it's over. The past is the past, and you've changed for the better. That's why I fell in love with you, and it's why I'll keep loving you every day, for the rest of our lives."

Jane sobbed with relief and threw her arms around him. "Thank you."

He gathered her closer to him, closing his eyes. No matter what she'd done, no matter how much Remi's…_Jane's_ past actions had manipulated and wounded him, he couldn't be without her. He'd tried, while she'd been on the run from the bounty hunters, and it had been more than he could bear. Did holding her responsible for more of her past make a difference to that? Sure, every now and then it would hurt to think about, but not any more than trying to live without her.

He remembered how, after Roman's defection back to Sandstorm, Jane had agonised over whether she would one day do the same thing. Whether she would return to Shepherd and shun the FBI. He'd told her then that he knew her heart, and that wasn't who she was. Kurt still believed that. With the ZIP gone from her system and her memories of her time with the FBI clear in her mind, there wasn't anything in the world that could make Jane return to terrorism.

"I still know your heart, Jane. This doesn't change a thing."

"I'm so lucky to have you." Jane clung to him even tighter. "I don't deserve you."

He hushed her as more of her tears dampened his shirt—tears of relief and catharsis rather than despair. It was obvious she was still in the grip of her guilt and pain, and it would take a lot of time and mental adjustment for both of them to come to terms with this new way of thinking. But they were together, and they had each other. That was all they needed.


	4. Bitter Pills (Jeller, 4x19)

**Bitter Pills**

(Fic-fix for the terrible, terrible episode 4x19 - I hated how Jane and Tasha took Kurt's mother's side over his. The first seven lines of dialogue are lifted from the episode.)

* * *

His mind still on the father-son reunion he'd helped to facilitate—and the duplicity of the poor kid's mother—Kurt softly closed the door to the hospital room and turned to take a seat in the waiting room. A familiar figure sat in the nearest chair, and he frowned a little.

_Jane? Why would she be here?_

She noticed his approach and gave him a small smile. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?" It was hard not to jump to the obvious conclusion—that his mother had taken off, and Jane had come to tell him the bad news. Her body language was calm, however.

"Well, your mom's sleeping..."

_Oh, Jane, tell me you didn't leave her unattended in our apartment, with all our stuff. She'll steal half of it to sell for drug money before we get back—_

Seeing the change in his expression, she hastily continued, "And the security detail's with her, I just, I… I heard about the takedown. How's Thomas?"

Unable to shift gears from thoughts of his mother, Kurt took a seat opposite Jane. "He's better now – he's back with his dad." At least Thomas had one parent he could count on—that was more than he and Sarah had ever had. "That poor kid. His life's never going to be the same…thanks to his mother."

"True. But maybe he'll also remember that in the end, she put him first. And whatever else she's done, she still loves her son, Kurt."

Kurt stared at his wife. _Oh, god. She got to Jane? That manipulative—_

Not allowing his thoughts to spiral, he focused on Jane, on trying to make her understand. "I don't know what my mom told you today, but she gave up on us. She walked away. There's no excuse for that."

"But she was just so full of regret, Kurt. And I just don't want to see you do something that _you'll_ regret, because you're hurt and angry."

Kurt's temper flared. After the stress of this case, and the gut-punch of seeing his mother again, he couldn't help but take it out on Jane. "Of course she was. If she doesn't have Sarah and me, she has no one. No one to feel sorry for her. No one to guilt-trip. No one to wheedle money out of. Looks like she found a new target in you."

Jane's eyes widened, and she glanced around at the empty waiting area before protesting, "You don't even know what she told me, and you're already assuming the worst. Kurt, I know how much she hurt you…"

_No. You don't. You have no idea._

"And I know how hard you find it to forgive people. But if you could have seen her today…"

_I would have seen right through her._

"Let me guess. She gave you some sob story about her inner demons, and told you not to tell me she'd said anything?" His voice emerged tight and cold, but he couldn't help it. _I can't believe she's turning my wife against me now. And I can't believe Jane is buying into this bullshit._

Jane blinked, a glimmer of uncertainty in her eyes. Clearly, he'd guessed right.

"That's what I thought." Kurt leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms defensively over his stomach.

"Kurt…" Jane began.

"She _knew_ that you would tell me. Whatever it is, she wanted it to reach my ears. She knows your opinion matters to me, and she _wants_ you to influence my decision."

Jane nodded slowly, not meeting his eyes. "Do you at least want to know what she said?" she asked softly.

Did he? He had no idea. Probably not. But at the same time, he couldn't not know.

"Go ahead."

Jane took his hand. "She said she tried to get you out. She took you to a shelter with her when she left, but you got scared and called your dad to come and take you home."

Kurt closed his eyes, fighting the beginnings of a headache. Yeah, he had a vague recollection of doing that. But all he'd known was that his mother had uprooted them from their home, while obviously drunk and high, and taken them to a place full of women with bruises and crying kids. He hadn't wanted to be there, hadn't known what would come next if they'd stayed. Sarah had been terrified, and he'd wanted to protect her. And he'd needed to be back home, within reach of Taylor's secret den, where he'd waited every day for her return. His fear and his determination to get Taylor back had led to him calling his father—even though his father was the enemy.

Jane continued, "She said Bill threatened to kill her if she ever came near you and Sarah again. And from what you've told me about your dad, it seems plausible that he'd do something like that."

Kurt wished that revelation changed something, but all it did was illuminate another facet of his mother's cowardice and selfishness. "Yeah, it's probably true. But we were ten and seven years old. Would you protect your own life, knowing that Avery or Bethany was suffering for it? She could have gone to the police. She could have called Child Services. She didn't do a damn thing, because deep down, when my father gave her that out, she was relieved to take it. And she walked away, and only ever came back when she needed money and sympathy."

Jane was silent for a long moment. "I understand where you're coming from, and you have every right to feel angry and betrayed. But, Kurt… She's your mom, and she still loves you, that much is clear. And addiction is a sickness, and it's put her in danger."

His anger flared. Why wouldn't she listen to him? Why did she care more about his mother's feelings than his, even after his attempts to explain?

"Just stop, Jane." His voice emerged harsher than he meant it to, but he didn't try to dial it back, too emotionally raw from memories of the past. "How would you like it if I started telling you Shepherd was just trying to give you and Roman a better world to live in, and you should forgive her for all of the lies and manipulation? The terrorist plot? All of it? How would you like it if I told you she'd just found better parents for Avery, because you wouldn't have been able to bring her up properly, because you were too young? That's how you sound right now."

Jane recoiled from him. "That's not fair. I'm not trying to make you the bad guy, Kurt. I'm not making excuses for your mom's bad behaviour, I just—"

"That's exactly what you're doing!" He kept his voice at his normal speaking volume, but the words were as forceful as a shout. "You just told me she left us because she feared for her life, like that changes anything. She had options. She chose not to take them. I'm not gonna feel bad for her when I know how hellish the next few years were for me, and for Sarah."

"Kurt, if you'd just stop being so defensive and listen for a moment—"

"I don't want to listen right now. I'm sick of hearing that I should bail out that woman and solve all her problems, just because she happened to give birth to me. First Tasha, now you? Being connected by blood doesn't mean automatic forgiveness for everything she does. Maybe you've forgiven Roman for all the screwed-up shit _he_ pulled, just because he was working on curing your poisoning. But I can't do the same for my mother. She's done nothing to deserve my respect."

Jane's eyes were filling with tears—maybe his jab about Roman had been a little below the belt. But seeing his mother again had just accentuated the difference between Linda Weller and Emma Shaw, and Jane's brother had killed Emma. Yet Jane had never seemed to grasp how deeply he felt that loss, or how much Kurt had wanted Roman to pay for what he'd done. His gratitude towards Roman for finding a cure for Jane's poisoning only extended so far. Just because he had tried to save Jane's life, that didn't cancel out the injustice of Emma's murder, no matter how much Jane had loved her brother.

"Kurt…" she began softly, but faltered, seemingly unable to defend herself.

He got up, turning back towards the room containing the small family he was guarding. "I can't leave this place until I get the all clear on the Russian threat from Patterson, but I don't want to be around you right now. I need some space."

He heard Jane get to her feet behind him. "I don't want to just leave things like this—"

"We'll talk about it later. Just…go."

After a moment, he heard her footsteps retreating towards the exit, and he returned to the seating area with a deep sigh, some of his tension easing. Arguing with his wife hadn't been on his agenda for the evening, but she'd taken his mother's side over his. How else had she expected him to react?

After around twenty minutes, he received confirmation from Patterson that there was very little likelihood of the Russians targeting Evan or Thomas Myers, now that Scarlett Myers was in custody. He gave Evan the good news and left them to their recovery, his dark mood lightened a little by the Thomas' obvious happiness to be safely back with his father.

Cases like this destroyed him, but in a way, they also healed him. Every time he was able to bring a child back to their loving family, it felt like he was making up for the way he'd failed Taylor Shaw. No matter how many years passed, he would never completely be able to let go of his guilt that his inattention had allowed his father to murder his childhood friend—but days like today helped him to deal with it.

At least, they would when he didn't have to deal with his mother's bullshit.

He'd counted on having Jane to lean on tonight, but their earlier confrontation had left him with nowhere to turn. Aimless, and not wanting to return to their apartment while his mother was there, he got into his car and began to drive, taking the closest route towards the suburbs in order to avoid the worst of the traffic.

Why the hell had Jane suggested taking his mother into their most personal space in the first place? Did she really not understand what a violation that was, even after Shepherd had invaded their apartment?

"Damn it, Jane," he whispered, his grip tight on the steering wheel.

She'd had so much trauma in her life, partly inflicted by Shepherd and then, for a brief period, by Roman. Kurt had expected her to understand where he was coming from, but in a few short hours, his mother had burrowed under Jane's skin like a tick. Sure, Jane liked to try to empathise with everyone, but she should be on his side, here. She was his wife. Where was her empathy for _him_ in this situation?

And how the hell had his mother gotten herself into this huge mess in the first place? Why had Shepherd wanted him to know that she'd been mining his mother for information about his life—and why had she bothered going to Linda Weller for that, when she'd barely even been _in_ his life?

_Because of Taylor. She was still around when Taylor disappeared._

And that just made the whole thing sting even worse. He didn't know who he was angrier at right now—Shepherd, his mother…or himself, for going to Pennsylvania in the first place. He should have known that Shepherd directing them towards Linda would just be another twisted attempt to control his life, somehow. She'd known that addicts would never turn down money, and that Linda would go to that storage locker.

But the agent in him had needed to check that there wasn't more to it—that his mother hadn't actually been a part of Sandstorm, or known people who were. Shepherd had to have known that, too.

Had her last communication with Jane, the posthumous puzzle, really just been about hurting them, finding one last button to push for each of them? Or was there something else they weren't seeing yet?

And why the hell couldn't his own mother have stepped up and been a responsible parent when it had really mattered? Why had she condemned him to almost a decade of suffering—and over a decade, for Sarah—just because she was too scared and selfish to take responsibility for her own children?

_Addiction is a sickness._ Jane's words came back to him, and his jaw clenched instinctively.

Did she really think he didn't know that? He'd had two parents who'd battled addictions for his entire life—alcohol for both of his parents, and his mother's additional drug dependency. He knew they'd both struggled, had seen them both crying and apologising for their weaknesses, as though he would magically absolve them of all responsibility for their own actions. He'd known they'd _wanted_ to change, even as they'd wanted someone else to do the hard work for them.

But even though he knew addicts needed compassion and understanding as part of their healing process, he strongly disagreed with the idea that their families, the ones their actions under the influence had affected the most, were the ones who should provide it. There was way too much baggage there. It was too close to home.

Maybe, if she ever got clean and sober, and attempted to reach out to him with an apology then, he'd consider forgiving her. But until then, it was on her to prove that she wanted to change, and he had every right to protect himself from her toxicity and manipulation until that day came—in the unlikely event it ever did.

On that, he and Sarah had agreed. She was as distant from their mother as he was, and always had been, despite her loyalty to their child-murdering father. Kurt had considered calling her today, but had decided against it. She still didn't know Jane had once been a terrorist—that was classified information that he wouldn't divulge to anyone who didn't already know, not even his sister—and the link between Shepherd and Linda Weller was too complicated to explain. As for the issue of the hundred thousand dollars Linda owed, he didn't want to see Sarah decimating Sawyer's college fund to try to bail their mother out, because he knew she would, if she found out.

They'd tried to get his mother help for her addictions once before, and she hadn't even shown up to be admitted, after promising she would. They'd done everything they could for her, when she'd done nothing to deserve it. If they paid off the gang who were after her, what was to say she wouldn't land herself in even deeper trouble next time?

So he was keeping Sarah in the dark, shouldering this one on his own. And the fact that he couldn't see a way out that didn't involve handing over his own savings filled him with impotent rage. The injustice of it made his blood boil.

His mother only saw him as an ATM and a problem-solver. Maybe she had regrets about the past, but that didn't change what she'd done. He wasn't going to keep letting her walk all over him.

But could he step back and watch her die?

Kurt let out an audible growl and turned up the radio, trying to drown out the cacophony of conflicted emotions within his mind. He wanted Jane to hold him and tell him everything would be all right.

The fact that she'd been so easily swayed to his mother's side made him feel betrayed, even as he knew he hadn't acted rationally in the face of her words. He'd thrown Jane's own trauma back at her, wanting to hurt her the way she was hurting him by not having his back. Maybe he'd come on a little too strong. He owed her an apology—but she owed him one, too.

He'd been driving for over an hour already, and his thoughts kept circling around, yielding no new avenues. Continuing this way would just make him more and more hurt and angry. At least if he could patch things up with Jane—make her see his side of things more clearly—he'd have solved one of his problems.

* * *

They met in a quiet diner they sometimes ate at, if they needed a change of scenery from home. Jane was already there when he walked in, seated not too far from the door, and she rose to her feet as he approached, abandoning her coffee cup.

"I'm so glad you're here," she said quietly. Sorrow and relief were evident in her expression.

He fought the urge to hug her, still too hurt by her earlier insinuations that he was overreacting to his mother's lifelong betrayal. They sat on opposite sides of the table, the situation so similar to the way they'd been this morning, yet so different.

After the waitress had taken his order—just coffee, since the thought of food turned his stomach right now—and retreated out of earshot, they looked at each other in silence for a moment. Kurt didn't even know where to start. He should apologise for exhuming her past to use as ammunition against her, but he didn't want to start with that, since she'd been the one who'd hurt him first.

Before he could come up with anything to say, Jane reached for his hand over the table. "I'm sorry I made everything worse for you today. That was the last thing I wanted. I don't think I phrased things very well earlier, and I should have explained where I was coming from a little better."

Kurt relaxed a little, lacing his fingers through hers. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have brought Shepherd and Roman into this."

Jane inclined her head a little. "No, you shouldn't have. But I understand why you did."

Kurt sighed. "I just… I needed you to have my back today. I didn't expect you to argue her case for her."

"I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I'm on your side, Kurt. And I hate how much she hurt you. Please don't ever doubt that. Your mom was in a bad situation, but she was in the wrong to abandon you, and your feelings are justified." She squeezed his hand.

_Then why did you say all that stuff earlier?_ She was saying all the right things now, but if that was really what she believed, her behaviour earlier made no sense.

He sipped his coffee, trying to find the right words.

"Look, Jane, I know you want to see the good in everyone. And I'm not denying that there's goodness in her somewhere. She gave us a few happy moments in our childhood, sure. But things went to hell, and she left Sarah and me to live in it. She doesn't want to change. She thinks everyone else should just be more understanding of her pain. And she's as manipulative as Shepherd, in her own way."

"Okay." Jane gave him a small, sad smile. "She was playing me today. I accept that. I didn't realise until you guessed that she'd told me not to tell you what she'd said, but looking back, it's obvious that she had an angle."

The rest of Kurt's anger at his wife evaporated at her simple acceptance of what he'd already known. He knew the way his mother operated so well that it was hard to remember that other people didn't have the same experience with her mind games.

"Thank you. For believing me."

"I never doubted she'd mistreated you, Kurt. That wasn't why I was trying to get you to think about her side of things."

"Then why? I know she's sick, but I can't be the one to heal her. She hurt me too much, over too many years, for me to throw everything I have into helping her recover. She shouldn't expect me to, and neither should you."

"I don't. I really don't. I hope that after you make a decision about all this, you can get some distance from her again, and concentrate on yourself and your own happiness. You deserve to be able to do that." Jane's expression was earnest.

"Then why did you sound like you want me to take responsibility for all of her problems?" His voice emerged more accusatory than he meant it to, his defensiveness rearing its head once again.

"Because the alternative is letting her die," Jane said quietly. "How will you feel when that happens? Because there's no way she could get a hundred grand before they decide to make an example of her, Kurt. She's a waitress at a diner—she can't be making more than minimum wage, even including tips. And even if she ends up turning tricks to earn extra cash, at her age, she'll never make enough in time."

Kurt flinched at the idea of Linda turning to sex work to supplement her income. It should have been an obvious association, but he hadn't applied it to his own mother. "I really could have done without that thought."

"I'm just trying to think logically here. If she's found dead in a few weeks' time, you'll never forgive yourself. It's not your mom I'm thinking about here—it's you. I should have made that clearer from the start."

Now that she was saying it, he saw the angle she'd been trying to take, but he'd been too caught up in his issues to figure it out earlier. Of course Jane would be worried about his mental state if his mother died as a result of his inaction.

"I get that now." Kurt rubbed his eyes wearily. "I just...don't know what I'm gonna do. A hundred grand - that's almost everything we have saved, including the rest of your K and R money. And what's to stop her from doing something like this again?"

"We make it clear to her that this is the last time. That if she needs help again, and she's not clean and sober, we're walking away." Jane shrugged. "I know it doesn't feel just. It's not fair that you have to bail her out after all the suffering she's put you through. But, Kurt, I've watched you tear yourself apart over things you had no control over. I don't want you to have her death weighing on your conscience, because you could have done something, but you didn't. Even if your reasons for walking away are good, that won't stop you from taking it out on yourself."

Kurt groaned, burying his face in his hands. "It feels like letting her win, Jane. And that makes me so damn angry."

"I understand. But you'd regret it for the rest of your life if you left her undefended when she has no way of solving the problem by herself, because you're a good person, Kurt. And I'm so proud of you for becoming the man you are, despite the parents you had to deal with." She kissed his knuckles tenderly, and he swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump in his throat.

"Being a good man doesn't seem to be paying off, right now," he muttered, his voice bitter.

"I know it hurts, and it feels like a weakness to care about her when she doesn't deserve it. But I also know that you _do_ care, that you can't switch those feelings off just because she's unworthy of them. And whether or not her regrets are real, if we can prevent her death this time, it'll be on her to put herself on the right path to redemption. If she doesn't do it, you can wash your hands of her for good."

Jane was making sense, he had to admit. Within his own moral code, there was only one action he could take in this situation, no matter how much he wished he was able to just walk away.

He sighed. "That was gonna be Bethany's college money. She's essentially robbing her own grandchild."

Jane gave him a sad smile. "We can start again. We've still got fifteen years before she hits college age, right? And if money gets really tight, maybe I can go work a few K and R jobs, top us up a little."

He tightened his grip on her fingers, unwilling to entertain the idea of being separated from her for even a few weeks. "We'll manage. Even if we end up working huge amounts of overtime for a while, at least we'll be working it together."

"True." She leaned forward and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Come on. Let's go get this over with, get your mom out of our apartment so we can relax a little."

He stood up, reluctant to face his mother again, but knowing it needed to be done. "I want to give the cash to the gang myself. I don't trust her not to spend some of it on pills, if we just give it to her."

"Okay. Maybe we can drive your mom back to Philly tomorrow, let her watch us hand over our life savings. Maybe the guilt will put her on the right path. But she's gonna need more than just a guilt trip to get back on track, Kurt."

He'd already had the same thought. "I know," he grumbled, putting down enough cash to cover their coffees, and a decent tip. "I'll look into finding a detox clinic local to her, after she leaves tonight. But if she doesn't take me up on it this time—"

"Then you will have done all you could." Jane slid out of the booth and wrapped her arms around him, sighing. "I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how frustrating this is, or how painful."

"But you're here to support me. That counts for more than you know." Kurt hugged her tightly in return, closing his eyes for a moment. Then he stepped back, weary and resigned, but determined. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

_END._


End file.
